i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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