I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
