i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
