she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
