no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
