so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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