The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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