i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
