I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
