Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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