he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
