Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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