You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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