I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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