Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
