I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You need a sexual gate keeper
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
