I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
