i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
