dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
This couple is walking their pig around campus
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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