It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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