We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If I die, sorry about rent.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
