Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
