Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
