We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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