it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
