My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
