i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
