If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
