Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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