I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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