I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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