I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
