if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
