Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
is it fun? or sober?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
