Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
