My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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