I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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