when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
