Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
40s are totally the cure
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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