I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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