hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
