wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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