you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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