did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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