I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
