Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
