Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
