thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
