id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Randomize
