There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
