I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
