Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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